No choice
by IEatJamFromTheJar
Summary: When Hermione announces to both Ron and Harry that she is dating Draco Malfoy, Harry begins to realise his own feelings towards him... Note - AU and a fair bit of angst
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"Guys, I've got something to tell you and you're not going to like it," said Hermione one morning, her expression shifty. "But it would be unfair for me not to tell you so…"

"So?" asked Ron chewing a mouthful of burnt toast; managing to look as uninterested as humanly possible.

"I have a boyfriend," she stated, her cheeks tinting slightly pink. Ron choked on his toast whilst I hid a smirk.

"You what?" grunted Ron, eyes opened wide.

"I'm sorry, is it really that hard to believe Ronald?" She snapped looking slowly more and more embarrassed.

"Um, so who's the lucky guy?" I asked awkwardly as Ron stared blatantly dumbstruck at her.

"Um, you're not going to like this Harry… You're not going to like this at all…"

My heart sank slightly as the realisation hit me like a brick in the face.

"It's Malfoy isn't it?" I moaned, "Why Hermione?"

"Look guys, please don't judge… He's genuinely a lovely guy really…"

"Malfoy? Lovely?" I snorted, "God Hermione, of all the guys you could have gone for, why on earth would you pick him? He's an obnoxious git, not to mention that his father is working for the guy who killed my parents. Yeah, really lovely," I yelled, my voice oozing sarcasm.

"Please Harry, just give him a chance. Look, I know you got off to a rocky start but I reckon you'd become really good friends if you just… Made an effort."

"Bullshit," I muttered and left the table feeling both Ron and Hermione's eyes on my back. Anger launched me down the corridor sending me slamming straight into an unexpecting figure. And of course to my greatest dismay it was Draco Malfoy.

"Watch where you're going Potter," he scowled miserably in my direction. Fumbling I rose to my feet and brushed past him without uttering a single word. I wasn't in the mood.

During that week Hermione tried and failed to bring Malfoy into the group's conversations yet none of us co-operated. It was one of the few times when I saw him without his typical cocky stance, and instead with an almost embarrassed expression. Then at the end of every lunch with a shifty glance in our direction, he would take off without a word to let us know what he was up to. Hermione and Ron didn't seem to notice this, and if they did they didn't seem concerned. I however wanted to know what he was doing, and one afternoon my curiosity got the better of me.

He took me by surprise.

In a small abandoned classroom there he was hunched over a desk, his blond hair spilling over the paper on which he was scrawling. Satisfied now I knew what he had been up to all this time I turned to walk away but his voice forced me to a halt.

"Potter, came to join me?" He asked with an almost amused tone of voice. Without warning my stomach lurched and after pulling myself together I turned back round to meet his grey eyes.

"What are you doing Malfoy?"

"I'm writing a book Potter. A murder mystery if you must know. Rather riveting if I dare say so myself." He said with a grin. I stumbled on my words before replying.

"Not the book Malfoy, Hermione." The overconfident smile didn't leave his face yet there appeared to be a more sinister edge in his eyes.

"Care to explain, Potter?"

"I thought you hated…"

"Muggle borns?" he asked, "Why Potter it was an act. I thought you of all people would perhaps understand but obviously not." And with a swift movement he collected all his papers and swept out of the room. My heart sank slightly in my chest, and without hesitation I headed back to the Gryffindor form room where I reluctantly re-joined my friends.

Malfoy intrigued me. I figured that maybe, just maybe Hermione was right. Maybe Malfoy did have another side to him that he hid from everyone else. I began to question his motives, why was he with her? What was he writing? Why did he feel the need to be so… secretive? I was worried about Hermione even if Malfoy supposedly wasn't the guy I had thought him to be. He was so… Intense. I didn't want him to hurt her. I was worried, that was all.

A few weeks later at breakfast, I looked around and he was nowhere to be seen.

"Where's Malfoy?" I asked, trying to make my voice sound neutral.

"Please stop calling him that, his name is Draco. Anyway I think he's busy writing I think."

"Writing what?" I asked. Hermione looked at me suspiciously,

"A story I think. Quite good actually..." I shrugged again trying to look and act natural, "Why were you asking?"

"Um… I'm just worried about you, that's all…" I mumbled and walked off stumbling over my own feet. Shaking my head I realised there was no point denying it any longer…


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

He began to take over my mind, slowly but surely. Every time I passed him, every time I saw him, even when I simply pictured him in my mind. Then it all pieced together. I already knew… it was simply hidden conveniently in the back of my head, a nagging voice. I guess it explained why I reacted so violently to Hermione. I slammed my fist into the wall out of pure frustration hoping that maybe if I hit it hard enough, these thoughts would go away. If anything they were only more prominent. Blood streamed down my clenched fist yet I let it flow and drip onto the carpet. What about Hermione? Only now she crossed my mind. Guilt began to swamp my thoughts yet they were interrupted by Ron's voice slicing through the silence.

"Bloody hell mate, are you alright?" he asked glancing back and forth between my bleeding fist and the newly found dent in the wall.

"Uh yeah, it's just my scar… It was hurting," I mumbled feebly simply wishing for him to leave me alone. Concern clouded his face,

"That's not good mate, you should really talk to someone about it,"

"Yeah well I'm talking to you aren't I?" I snapped. Ron's face deflated slightly,

"Look Harry, I'm just trying to help you out here," he shrugged, "Y'know I came here to talk to you but you're obviously busy so…" and slowly he trudged away. Ron had seemed more withdrawn recently, it was true. I made a mental note to talk to him later, and left the common room for the pitch black corridor. Nobody was there. I pulled the invisibility cloak over my head and slowly drifted in the inevitable vague direction of an abandoned classroom. I didn't even realise until it was too late to turn back.

There he was again, his pale features scrunched up in concentration as he scrawled furiously onto his work, his eyes which look almost silver in the dark were moving in zig zags across the page as he reread what he had just written. His white-blonde hair was spiked up in different directions as he ran his hand through it, and although I hated to admit it I felt a little turned on. Taking a deep breath I pulled the cloak off from over my head and stepped inside the room. He turned abruptly to face me, his eyes piercing my own.

"What do you think you are doing here Potter?"

"Couldn't sleep," I said instantly wishing I could take it back. He arched an eyebrow. "Well that and I wanted to apologise for being a dick." His expression relaxed slightly and he turned back to his work,

"Well if that's the case then I guess I can say the same for myself."

"What do you mean?" I questioned. He turned to face me, his expression puzzled and my stomach jolting violently.

"I was referring back to the time when I was an arrogant arse under the influence of my father, and you were just another Gryffindor suck up," he said shrugging.

"Oh right… I just meant the other day when I made that remark about Hermione. Oh and do you want to know something nobody else knows? The sorting hat originally wanted to put me in Slytherin." An emotion that looked like genuine surprise lit up his face.

"So if that's the case, why aren't you with us now?"

"I saw your face at the table and was put off," I grinned.

"Oh come on Potter, I know you love me really," He joked with a cocky wink.

"Dream on Malfoy," I muttered, followed by a nervous cough. "Anyway, I'd better be going so yeah… Have fun with your writing." Malfoy smiled awkwardly as a smile was obviously not something he was used to doing, and I took that as my cue to leave. As soon as I had walked a couple of steps away from the classroom, I groaned under my breath and hit my forehead with the palm of my hand. I didn't reckon that conversation could have been anymore awkward.

When I re-entered the common room I was greeted by Ron sitting alone by the fire.

"Hey mate, not even gonna ask what you've been up to," he muttered looking distracted. I doubted he even cared and I thanked God for it.

"Yeah Ron… I'm sorry for snapping earlier, I had a lot on my mind."

"S'alright," he mumbled. The fire crackled softly making up for the conversation pause. After knowing Ron for so long, having nothing to say to each other was never awkward. In a way it was pleasant to just sit in companionable silence. "Harry, I've got a problem…" He started.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked curiously.

"It's about Hermione…" He mumbled almost incoherently.

"What about her?"

"I think I'm in love with her," he choked.

"Oh," I stuttered momentarily stunned.

"I didn't even realise until it was too late… Y'know with Malfoy and all… I guess there goes another reason to hate him. It's just… I don't know. I probably sound ridiculous, I'm going to bed." He muttered before getting up and walking towards the stairs to the dorm.

"Night Ron," I mumbled.

He didn't respond.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I guess the word "gay" never crossed my mind when I was younger. I didn't have a problem with gay people; I just naturally assumed I'd be straight like the majority of the population. I had a couple of awkward kisses with Cho-Chang and then Ginny, but nothing that really… stood out. I figured I just had to wait for the right girl to come along… I had no idea that the right girl would happen to be a guy who is not only dating my best friend, but whose father happens to be working for a guy who wants me dead. Joy.

Hermione and Draco had been sending more and more time with each other making both me and Ron look like unfortunate tag alongs. After our conversation in the common room Ron clearly felt awkward to be around me so even we had been spending less time together. With my newly found alone time I had been mainly hanging around the library. I found comfort within books, any kind of book really although I had to admit to a guilty pleasure for muggle literature. Pulling out Wuthering Heights I found an isolated corner in the library and lost myself in the words. I always found it so beautiful how you could be so easily transported into another world… Escapism.

"Nice choice Potter. Anger, hatred, revenge. Right up my street," I looked up slowly to see Draco leaning against a bookshelf, his hair swept to one side and as always he was radiating self-confidence with his little half smile.

"Malfoy, you read muggle books?" He laughed and walked towards me,

"Well Potter, I am writing a novel. You'd have thought I'd have to read a variety of different styles before I could develop my own."

"So what's your style then?"

"I'll tell you what, you can read what I've written once I've finished and then you can tell me."

"Alright then," I shrugged feeling secretly intrigued. "How's Hermione?" I asked.

"Isn't she supposed to be your friend Potter?" He drawled raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah I guess I just…"

"So why don't you ask her yourself?"

"Look, why are you even here Malfoy?" I asked, losing my patience.

"It's a library Potter, why do you think I'm here?" and with a dazzling smile he pulled a book which looked a lot like a biography off the nearest shelf. "May I?" He asked, suggesting the seat next to my own.

"Uh, go for it," I mumbled, and in once almost graceful movement, he collapsed beside me. Upon opening the cover he seemed immediately absorbed in the words. I of course could barely breathe regularly, let alone read a book. I instead glanced over at him several times, yet thankfully he didn't seem to notice. After a while I couldn't stand the silence any longer.

"So what are you reading about?" I questioned awkwardly. He turned to face me and shrugged,

"I have no fucking idea, but whoever this guy is he didn't seem to lead a very interesting life."

"So why are you still reading it then?" I asked.

"I'd much rather read about reality than a pretend fantasy world. Besides, I do love a good biography. Always a death at the end," he grinned chuckling.

"Oh of course," I smiled and laughed with him.

We stayed like that for a while. Just chatting and laughing about trivial things, mainly books.

"So Potter, who is your favourite author? Besides me of course," He asked as we wandered around the shelves together.

"Firstly Malfoy, I have never read anything you have written before so you aren't even in the running, and secondly… I don't know. I don't read too much by one person because I get bored too easily. Besides there are so many books out there it seems like a waste of time to read everything by one author and to not read anything by another." He nodded.

"Nice philosophy. Anyway Harry, I'd better be off… Things to see, people to do, stories to write," he muttered.

"Wow Malfoy, first name basis? We'll be married next," I joked.

"You said it, not me. Besides I don't swing that way, wouldn't want to upset my girlfriend," and in a swift movement brushing gently against my shoulder he was gone. I looked around to see numerous people looking at me with blatant curiosity. My previous opinion of Malfoy wasn't exactly a secret so I guess it must've looked strange to see both of us chatting and laughing like old friends. Feeling both confused and in a state of shock, I wandered aimlessly down the corridors wondering whether I had imagined it all up.

Once I'd reached the corridor leading to the Gryffindor common room, I was reminded that it didn't matter whether our conversation was reality or imaginary. Draco and Hermione were pressed up against the wall making out passionately, until Hermione had recognised my presence. She leapt away from Draco as if he was a poisonous species of snake and fumbled awkwardly with her hair. Draco smiled in an almost triumphant way, making me want to smash his face into the ground. I strained myself from doing so and instead settled with a pathetic snide comment.

"Get a room why don't you?" I muttered. Draco smiled spitefully.

"Oh Potter, you really do need to get laid, don't you?" he laughed. Hermione smacked his arm gently but didn't even try to conceal her amusement.

"Oh lighten up Harry."

I didn't say anything and walked past them both, entering the common room.

That evening unable to help myself, I walked back to the classroom again expecting to see Draco hunched over his desk. Today however he surprised me. I saw him pacing back and forth muttering under his breath and although I was too far away to hear everything he was saying, I managed to pick out something… And that something was my name.


	4. Chapter 4

_Note - Hello people! Before you read on, I'd just like to say that I am not particularly happy with this chapter, and I may edit it at some point. Any constructive criticism would be really helpful. Please, please, please review – do you think it's going to fast? Is it too unbelievable? Anyways, with that said please go ahead :)_

Chapter 4

The next time I turned up at the classroom, Draco almost seemed to be expecting me.

"Potter, you just can't seem to get enough of me, can you?" he smiled.

"I just came here to see how your writing is coming along," I mumbled self-consciously.

"Well to be honest it doesn't seem to be working so well. I don't know where I should go with it next… Any suggestions?"

"None at all. I'm not really much of a writer to be honest," I said. It was true and I didn't really know why that was.

"Why not?" he asked as if he had the ability to read minds.

"I don't know… I guess I just have too much on my mind to then have to worry about writing a whole novel."

"What do you mean by too much on your mind?" he questioned.

"Oh you know, only Voldermort trying to murder me. The usual," I chuckled weakly.

"You say his name?" He asked, eyes wide, changing the subject.

"Why shouldn't I?" Silence filled the room for a few moments as he stared at me with blatant curiosity.

"Y'know it helps," Draco said out of the blue.

"What do you mean?"

"Writing. It… Well, it can either take you somewhere completely different, or if you write everything down in a matter of fact way it can make you see things more clearly somehow. Besides, what's interesting about a happy go lucky book that has absolutely no substance to it whatsoever?"

"Maybe it's not about what's interesting, maybe it's about what makes people feel happy," I suggested.

"Maybe," he said looking intently at the ground not seeming terribly convinced. "Well if that's what people want I guess I'd better start over again," he mumbled under his breath.

"Who are you writing it for? I guess what I'm trying to say is… Don't write it to interest others, but don't write it to make others happy… Just write it the way you want it to be."

"Easier said than done," he muttered.

"Why? You don't have to show anyone."

"No Potter, you don't get it do you? It's because there's so much to say I don't know how I'd manage to write it all down. I have no choice. My future is laid ahead of me and what can I do? What can I say? Nobody is fucking listening to what I want to… What I can't. I just can't. Maybe I don't want to be bad. Maybe I just want to be normal. Happy, like you said. And maybe I can't translate all of that into a fucking novel. But I want to… I want to show people how lucky they are that they can go home to their parents and know that they'll love them no matter what… That they won't force them…" And he stopped, staring stony eyed into the distance. For the first time in my life I considered that maybe having parents wasn't always joyful, that it wasn't the answer to everything. He laughed suddenly making me jump,

"And the funny thing is here I am confiding in you. The guy whose death I should be hoping for. And what's weird is that we have more in common than you would naturally assume. You're the chosen one – you've been given something to do, a job. Something you can't get out of… Aw this is all so pathetic. I'm so sorry." He leapt to his feet and strode out into the corridor.

I had never felt more confused in my entire lifetime. I spent the rest of the day considering what I should do next, what I should say. But of course almost to my disappointment he went back to his normal cocky self without looking once in my direction. Fuck writing, Draco would make a brilliant actor. But then again that is what he had spent his whole life doing. He must be sick of it.

I wondered what he thought of me. What I was to him. I mean obviously he would never return my feelings as he was straight… But did he, could he see me in that light at all? Goddammit, I thought to myself. Here I am debating whether or not a guy likes me back when he's pretty much just had a mental breakdown and is dating my best friend. Wow I was such a good person.

"Uh Harry, why are you staring at Malfoy like that?" Ron asked breaking up my thoughts. I felt my face go a deep red and mumbled something incoherently in his direction.

"Um, what was that?" He asked sounding slightly amused.

"I wasn't looking at Malfoy, I was just… thinking." I mumbled pathetically looking at the floor.

"Yeah right. Bloody hell, now it's two of you obsessing over that fucking Malfoy," He mocked.

I really hoped he was joking.

_Yeah guys… I know it's a little bit shite. I've been kinda busy revising for exams so don't hate me! D': Please, please, please review (it won't take long) and yeah… I'll try to get the next update up shortly (hopefully it won't be as terrible) :)_


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"Harry, do you mind if we talk for a second?" Hermione asked one morning, interrupting my rather inappropriate daydream. I blushed for a moment before gathering my senses together and looking up at her. I hoped to God Hermione couldn't read minds.

"Uh right, yeah sure," I muttered disgruntledly.

"Look Harry, I'm sorry we haven't talked much recently... You know I've been really busy at the moment but I've been feeling terrible about you and Ron…" She said on a verbal roll, her hands flailing around.

"Your point is?" I asked, not unkindly.

"Do you mind?" She asked. I looked at her expecting her to expand on her question. She rolled her eyes, "Do you mind me being with Draco? Like really? Because I know that it was unfair for me to go off with someone you didn't particularly get along with but I really like him, Harry." She stumbled awkwardly looking flustered.

"I don't mind," I lied. Well, maybe I minded, just not for the reasons she would've expected.

"It's just that… Well, I know this is really awkward to talk to you about… but I don't really have any girlfriends to talk to and well… It's kinda obvious that you're gay so I'm sure you won't mind it when I say our relationship is getting pretty serious."

"What?" I spluttered.

"Well c'mon Harry," she said looking impatient, "I'm pretty sure we've all seen the looks you give Ron at the breakfast table." I didn't think my jaw could drop any further. "Don't worry, I don't think he's caught on yet and I won't tell him for you. You should go for it Harry," she smiled kindly, "You never know with Ron. Anyway, I've got loads of studying to do so if you want to talk at all I'll be in the library."

"Um okay then," I mumbled in a dumbstruck manner. And with a wave she strode away with a large pile of textbooks in her arms. After getting over the initial shock I laughed quietly to myself. Ron? No chance. I got to my feet and wandered in the same direction Hermione had just left towards, but again to my dismay I found myself walking straight into Draco Malfoy.

"Sorry, um Malfoy?" I started, but it didn't matter. He had already disappeared. It had been like this over the past couple of weeks. Every time I had acknowledged him I got no response. A couple of times I had gone in search of the classroom we had spent time in – him writing, me just talking. But now whenever I turned up, he was nowhere to be seen. Was it something I had said? I decided now as the time to find out.

"Hey Malfoy?" I called again and turned to follow him. He didn't even flinch although I knew he must've heard me. People around me turned to look as if I had gone mad. To be honest I was beyond caring at that moment in time. I wanted to find out what I had done wrong. In the end I found myself outside yet another abandoned classroom – a different one this time. I hesitated in the doorway debating the pros and cons. For once I just went with my gut feeling and cautiously wandered in behind him. He had already began to write and acted as if he hadn't noticed my arrival.

"Malfoy…" I started awkwardly, my voice flat.

"Potter," he said shrugging.

"Why have you been avoiding me?" I asked. He looked at me for a moment and laughed,

"You act as if we're in a relationship Potter. Why? Why would it matter if I was to avoid you?" He snarled, not one hint of humour in his expression or tone of voice.

"I just thought that maybe…"

"Maybe what?" he snapped getting to his feet, "that maybe we could be friends? Are you really that fucking naïve Potter?" he yelled standing uncomfortably close to me.

"Well yeah, maybe I did." I snapped back dejectedly, "maybe I thought for some strange reason that I was wrong about you. I was just trying to be nice."

"Look. I don't want you to be nice. I just need you to leave me alone. "He yelled, his teeth gritting together.

"What about Hermione?"

"I don't care about Hermione!" he shouted, "I just wanted to prove that maybe I didn't have to always be the bad guy."

"Well how am I any different?" I asked, my voice still raised.

"You just are, okay?" he struggled dismally, "look, you're making my life more complicated than it has to be and I'd really appreciate it if you could just… Stop talking to me," he muttered.

"I can't," I said, my voice wavering.

"What do you mean, you can't?" he asked, his voice once again hitting the roof. I forced him into silence. Slowly I leaned in towards him before I had realised what I was doing, and brushed my lips carefully against his. After pulling away I looked into his grey eyes and saw an unexpected emotion within them, desire. He pulled me closer to him and we kissed again, this time with desperation. After pulling away this time I swore I could see a single tear glistening on his cheek, and with a quick glance in my direction he walked away.


	6. Chapter 6

_Hello! This definitely took longer to upload than I wanted it to – I've been a bit busy with exams at the moment, and it was unfair to leave it on a cliff-hanger but… Here it is :) _

Chapter 6

I knew it meant nothing, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. How could I have been so stupid? As expected he had gone back to acting as if my existence meant nothing to him… I thought differently – he had kissed me back, I must have done something right? What if I had imagined it all up? Oh for crying out loud! It was just a kiss! People kiss each other all the time; it doesn't have to mean anything. I heard a cry from downstairs – a loud one. A familiar one. I crept down the stairs and tiptoed into the corridor, "Hello?" I called out sounding typically like the stupid character in a bad horror movie. I crept along the hallway, following the noise until I had detected not one but two voices I recognised. Hermione and Draco.

"Why do you have to do this?" She shrieked, "Is there some other girl you haven't told me about?"

"Look, there's no one. I got bored that's all," he stated matter of factly. My heart wrenched for Hermione. She had absolutely no idea about anything – anything I have felt, said… or done. I stood out of the shadows into a spot where they could see me clearly,

"Hermione?" I asked tentatively.

"Please…" she mumbled in my direction, "I can handle this by myself."

I looked at her face and knew there was nothing I could do; she looked ruined, tears streaming down her ashen face. I turned to look at Draco, his stare burning into my eyes… I couldn't detect what emotion I saw within them.

"Just fuck off Potter," he almost yelled. I scowled at him; I couldn't help it and turned away, returning to the common room. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, I thought to myself, running my hand through my scruffy hair. In a moment of frustration I began to repeatedly kick the nearest chair despite my throbbing leg's cry of agony. Why had I done this? This was so obviously all my fault, I needed to tell Hermione before it was too late… I needed to stop whatever was going on between me and Draco… This was all so ridiculous. I sat down for an agonising half an hour, fidgeting awkwardly as I waited for Hermione to arrive.

When she did, she flung herself into my arms as she choked back her sobs, accidentally wiping her tear stained cheeks on my clothes.

"You were right all along," she mumbled dismally, "Why? Why didn't I listen to you?" she wailed as guilt throbbed through me. I needed to tell her… Now. She was bound to find out, I knew Hermione, and she was clever. If I told her now it was the only way I could perhaps keep our friendship from failing.

"It's alright Hermione, we all make mistakes sometimes," I mumbled feebly whilst I mentally hit myself over the head with a giant brick. "It's just Draco," I shrugged. She turned to face me her expression changing completely. I detected suspicion in her eyes and immediately tensed up.

"Draco? You've never called him Draco before. Harry… Is there something you haven't been telling me? Have you…?"

"…No," I interrupted suddenly, "Hermione, I hate him. Who do you think I am?" I lied feeling both terribly guilty and somewhat desperate to escape this whole situation.

"Oh I know Harry, I'm sorry… I just… I really liked him, and I thought he liked me too. I'm sorry, I shouldn't accuse my friends like that," she said smiling weakly up at me. I was such a terrible person.

"It'll be alright Hermione, you're going to meet someone amazing one day, I know you will. You can do better than him."

"You really think so?"

"Yes, I know so," I said boldly, trying my very best to smile convincingly.

"You will too Harry. I can see it," she said seeming to cheer up ever so slightly. I sunk even further into my guilt and tried to imagine myself out of this mess.

I knew what I had to do.

The first thing the next morning I almost ran to the classroom – the original one this time. I had a feeling he'd be there – he'd be expecting me. I was right, yet I had imagined a completely different reaction to the one I had received. As I entered I cut straight to the chase,

"Look, I can't do this anymore,"

"Neither can I but…" Draco started as he smiled suggestively, leaning in towards me not even pausing for my reaction. As he pushed me roughly against the wall I tried ever so hard to pull away but I simply couldn't resist. I didn't see the lingering eyes staring at us from the other side of the window…

_I'm sorry again for another crappy chapter, a delay, and ANOTHER cliffhanger. Hope you liked it anyway and don't hate me too much ;)_


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Although I found it sickening to admit, there was no way I could have stopped myself from seeing him. I found myself becoming absorbed in his world – I needed to see him, talk to him, touch him… Even without him nearby I ended up picturing him, every single blonde hair on his head. Everything he said to me lingered in my mind and refused to leave… I found that whenever I was alone, my thoughts would always wander slowly back to him… Every time. What I was feeling felt like a strange mixture of joy, guilt, and desperation. Joy because he made me feel alive – those few moments we got to spend together were my happiest moments. He took my mind away from the misfortune of my past, as well as my fear for the future… Guilt because my best friend was in love with him and had no idea about what was now going on between us… and desperation because there was no way I could imagine our relationship working out – we were natural born enemies… How on earth would we be able to continue like this?

We were careful – we planned where we would meet beforehand, we didn't go to the same classroom more than once, and we never ever talked to each other in public. At first I was paranoid that both Ron and Hermione were going to notice me disappearing, but if they did they never asked. I used this to my advantage by meeting with him more and more frequently. It was a couple of days before the Christmas holidays in the dead of night – Draco would soon be gone, and this was probably the last chance I would get to see him. I was sitting on a desk waiting for him to arrive – he was late despite his usual brilliant timing. I began to doubt whether he was going to arrive at all. After half an hour of waiting I scooped up the invisibility cloak in my arms and with a disappointed sigh made my way to the door. Of course I was wrong.

Draco came rushing in yet he still managed to maintain his sophisticated grace. He smiled at me, a smile rid of the spite and sarcasm it was used to containing, and his cheeks flushed a gentle pink despite their usual pallor. His hair which was usually swept to one side was sticking up in all different directions, making him look slightly dishevelled but nevertheless beautiful. I momentarily wondered how someone so hot could be interested in someone like me, but my thoughts stopped as he started to talk,

"Hi, you're still here? I thought you'd be gone," he started.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked feeling confused; he was the one that had arranged this meeting in the first place.

"No, of course not," he said shaking his head, "I got caught up in something… I must be really late, I didn't think you'd still be here waiting," he smiled running a hand through his hair.

"What happened?"

"Your Christmas present," he smiled, "I didn't think it would be finished but I managed it in the end… I wanted you to be the first to read it," he said, pulling the book into view from behind his back. "It's not very good… I need to change some things, it's sort of depressing, and it's all handwritten but…" he mumbled self-consciously.

"Are you serious?" I asked, momentarily stunned, "for me?"

He laughed, "Who else would I be talking to? I hope you like it… If you don't, pretend you do."

"I had no idea you were anywhere near finishing!"

"Well, it still needs a lot of work but…" he started and bit his lip. He then walked towards me… So close I could feel his breath on my cheek, "Shall we?" he asked. I felt no need to respond, and simply started to unbutton his shirt, my fingers fumbling clumsily as he kissed my neck.

He stopped. I stopped. We both turned.

"How dare you?" Hermione shrieked, her voice echoing around the room, "Ron did tell me, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt… Then you started wandering off at night and assumed that neither of us would notice? Who do you take me for? A fool?"

"I'm so sorry, I couldn't help…" but she interrupted again,

"No. I confided in you, I told you everything and you just took that and threw it back in my face… You lied to me!" she yelled, tears streaming down her face.

"I tried to tell you, but I just…"

"You just what?" she snapped, her tone disbelieving. "They say you're oh so brave – the chosen one, but they're all wrong. You're a coward Harry. I can't believe I trusted you."

At this point Draco turned to face Hermione, his expression strained, "Don't blame him, it's not his fault."

"As far as I'm concerned you're both as bad as each other," she yelled and swiftly exited.

The silence was deafening. The world as I knew it had been shattered to pieces, and my options were limited. Whatever route I decided to take would inevitably hurt somebody – somebody I cared about. I collapsed on to a chair and shook my throbbing head,

"I can't believe I didn't stop this before it was too late… I don't know what to do…" I mumbled my head in my hands. Draco didn't say anything and continued to stare into the distance. Neither of us had noticed the book had disappeared without a trace.

_There you go :) hope you enjoyed it! If you did, please drop a review (I instantly love anybody who reviews *virtual hug to reviewers*) In fact – if you hated it drop a review, constructive criticism could be helpful!_


	8. Chapter 8

_Quick note - Firstly I am sorry it has taken so long to update, I have no excuses other than extreme writers block. Also I'd like to say that I am really unhappy with this chapter and it is TERRIBLY written. Anyway, with that said here is chapter 8 :)_

Chapter 8

I found myself in total isolation during the holidays; isolation which at times I was thankful for. Although I felt lonely, I had grown accustomed to the feeling during my childhood; a part of me appreciated the time alone to think everything through… It was almost serene. The Christmas lights above my head shone brightly as I thought to myself. They were ironic, mocking; I almost hated them. Shaking my head I turned back to the piece of crumpled parchment on which I had been attempting to write. Unfortunately I was never much of a writer and could never find the words to express my thoughts without sounding both melodramatic and over the top, but I was trying to take Draco's advice.

I was trying to write a letter to him. It was a ludicrous motion – even if I did manage to successfully finish it (which at the time I seriously doubted), what would I do then? Send it to his house where it would inevitably end up in the hands of his father? I shuddered at the thought. I crumpled the stained parchment into my fist and looked down at my hand. Staring up at me were the white scars from those eventful detentions in Umbridge's office, "I must not tell lies." The irony would have made me laugh if I wasn't so tired. In one swift movement I chucked the feeble letter into the bin, and for once I didn't miss.

"Hey Ron, did you see that?" I asked the painfully silent common room. Bloody hell I was tired.

The next day they came back. I was lying on my back, eyes closed when I heard a familiar voice address me.

"Hey Harry do you mind if…"

"Just leave me alone Ron,"

"I was going to say I'm sorry but you know what? I'm not bloody sorry. You were a total dick to both me and Hermione and this was even before Malfoy came into the equation."

"I've realised,"

"Well maybe you should have realised before it was too late," he yelled, his ears reddening as I continued to hold his stare.

"You know what? I have enough to deal with right now without…"

"What? Has the boy who lived got so much to deal with he can't treat his friends with bloody respect?"

"Yeah, maybe not total arseholes like you," I yelled and stormed out of the dorm. I regretted it in an instant yet I knew I couldn't turn back… I had other things to sort out before I could even begin to think about Ron.

I waited for hours yet I knew he'd arrive eventually.

He had changed. His once lively eyes were dull, lifeless, and shadowed with dark lines, and he had also lost a significant amount of weight. He smiled when I looked up at him yet it didn't quite reach his eyes, not in the way they used to. I leapt off the desk on which I had been sitting and walked towards him.

"Hi," I said awkwardly. Of all the many words I could have chosen, of all the words that had been left unsaid, I had settled for hi. Well done Harry. He rolled his eyes and grinned,

"Well how are you?"

"Fine thanks, you?" I asked, my voice quavering just slightly.

"Listen Harry, why are we making small talk?" he asked. I shrugged and looked up into his eyes. There are many things that should have stopped me from doing what I intended to do, but I had made my decision. I had lost people I had loved in the past, and I wasn't prepared to lose yet another. I grabbed his arm and pulled him towards me yet his reaction was unexpected. In an instant he leapt away, an expression that looked similar to downright fear clouding his face.

"What did you do that for?" He almost shrieked.

"What are you talking about? I thought…"

"What do you mean you thought? No Potter you didn't fucking think did you?" He yelled and turned away running his hand through his hair. "I'm sorry," he muttered, "I've just got a lot on my mind, that's all." Again I was reminded of my argument with Ron and a pang of guilt lurched through me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked calmly, placing my hand on his shoulder. He jumped when he felt my touch yet he made no effort to remove it. Instead he turned slightly to face me and sighed.

"You really have no idea, do you?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, this time considerably more suspiciously.

Not looking me directly in the eye he began to roll up his left arm's shirt sleeve… There etched into his pale skin was the dark mark. As I stared at it pain sliced through my forehead yet I felt as if I couldn't turn away; there was something keeping me staring. Another pain then burned… a pain totally separate to the one in my head.

Almost instantaneously I felt the urge to hurt Draco Malfoy as much as was physically possible with only my bare hands, and it took literally all my resistance and control to hold myself back.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I seethed, my teeth gritted; fire burning in my stomach.

"I tried but you didn't listen! I made it so obvious Potter, that even a half-witted git like you could have figured it out," he yelled.

"Don't bullshit me! You never said anything! In a way I don't blame you because if you had even vaguely suggested anything like this… this thing between us never would have happened. Maybe if I had figured this out before, I would still have my friends. What are you even doing here Malfoy? Trying to work out my weaknesses? Reporting back to Voldermort?"

"Don't say his name!" He snarled.

"Why the fuck not?" I bellowed. A silence then swamped the rebounding echoes of my yells, but it was anything but serene. Tension almost vibrated through the air, tension so loud and strong I felt like I could almost reach out and touch it. Then to my surprise Draco laughed. A bitter, spiteful laugh. He sauntered towards me until he was so close I could no longer breathe comfortably and spoke in a voice barely louder than a whisper.

"You really didn't understand anything I said, did you? I doubt you even had the decency to bother."

"What are you talking about?"

"It's funny how at one point I even thought we were similar," he murmured, laughing again.

"I can't stand you Malfoy," I growled.

"Oh don't be ridiculous Potter, I can feel your hard on," he drawled, winking once and walking away. The sad part was he wasn't lying.


End file.
